OMG, Shoes

Apparently what it takes to bring me out of blogging silence is retail therapy. Because people. I want to put my feet in beautiful cages. I have tried on, loved, and talked myself out of so many pairs of these shoes, because why do I need them? Where would I wear them? I'm a grad student. My going out to eat budget buys me Chipotle, and my wardrobe generally consists of jeans and an ironic t-shirt (but with cute earrings).

So why am I so obsessed with shoes like these? Or these? And these? Drool. And hello! Or pretty much all the pairs in this post but especially the bottom two? And THESE OMG (especially the purple ones on top and the black strappy Hermes)! I let myself buy these* (you really have to look at the side view), which I have worn twice to much acclaim (and complaints that I am too tall, but what am I going to do about that, huh?)

Here's what I need from you: take me somewhere that will justify buying another ridiculous pair of these. And I will love you forever. Or at least perform sexual favors. (Ha! Just kidding, Mom. Avert your eyes.)

*I should note that while I am a well-documented klutz, I can walk in heels like a beyotch.

In a Nutshell

I can't leave that last post up any longer, because it's just depressing. And really, I'm doing ok. :) I don't have anything profound to say, so you get a quick update by way of bullet points.

• I have very good friends around me.
  
• Coffee, food, and alcohol showed up in front of me at regular intervals for the first couple of weeks.
  
• So much has happened in the last month that I am in a bit of shock sometimes at how quickly things are changing and how much has happened in a few short weeks.
  
• That makes me feel a little unhinged some days.
  
• But mostly I'm dealing with it pretty well.
• And yes, I am in therapy. Fear not for my sanity in the long run.
  
• David moved back to Utah, and he has the dogs.
  
• I miss the boys so, so much, but I wouldn't be able to take care of them on a med student schedule. He will give them a very good home.
  
• Our house is mostly empty, and the keys get turned back over to the landlord this week.
  
• I'm staying with friends for awhile.
  
• My mom visited and helped me pack.
  
• My dad visited and helped me move.
  
• My friends have helped every step of the way.
  
• I got sick, passed out, hit my head on the concrete and was taken to the ER in an ambulance.
  
• I'm fine. (But I might be less fine about it when I get the bill...)
• I traveled to Sacramento for a day with the state medical society to meet with our legislators on health care issues.
  
• I traveled to Denver for a week for a cancer research conference. One of my favorite people was there as well.
  
• I spent this weekend in Anaheim for a health care leadership conference.
  
• We got to go to Disneyland for free last night as part of the conference.
  
• I had a great time visiting with friends from my own school that I don't see often, and met some great people from other schools across the state.
  
• Somewhere along the line, I have started having fun. And getting excited about the future.
  

Still hard to say it out loud

David and I are getting divorced.

I don't really have anything else to say about it now.

The Roofwalker

Over the half-finished houses
night comes. The builders
stand on the roof. It is
quiet after the hammers,
the pulleys hang slack.
Giants, the roofwalkers,
on a listing deck, the wave
of darkness about to break
on their heads. The sky
is a torn sail where figures
pass magnified, shadows
on a burning deck.

I feel like them up there:
exposed, larger than life,
and due to break my neck.
Was it worth while to lay--
with infinite exertion--
a roof I can't live under?
--All those blueprints,
closings of gaps,
measurings, calculations?
A life I didn't choose
chose me: even
my tools are the wrong ones
for what I have to do.
I'm naked, ignorant,
a naked man fleeing
across the roofs
who could with a shade of difference
be sitting in the lamplight
against the cream wallpaper
reading--not with indifference--
about a naked man
fleeing across the roofs.

~Adrienne Rich

And God created Bowie. And it was good.

Some people find Jesus, or the Virgin Mary in crazy places, like a slice of toast, the bark of a tree, or a cheeto:



Me?

I find Bowie.

In my neighbor's stucco.

But I consider it to be an equally religious experience.

Seriously, check it out:



And compare:


It's uncanny, no?

Stream of consciousness ramblings about life, the universe, and everything, AKA, graduate school

Today I had my oral comprehensive exam. I presented my research and the remainder of what I want to do, and entertained questions from the general audience. Then my committee grilled me in private at their leisure. I have a good committee. They are fair. And intelligent. Every one of them loves science. (When I practiced my presentation at lab meeting last week, my mentor said that I have to seduce them with my findings. And they are all completely in love with science, and capable of being seduced by it, so she was right.) They kept me for an hour and a half, which is a tad long, but I have friends who have been tortured for much longer. My committee didn't torture me. When they brought me back into the room to tell me I had passed they praised my research, my write-up and my findings. I feel quite pleased about all of that, privileged to work in a lab that has given me the support that I need to produce the work that I have produced.

But.

They want me to stay in the lab for another year before I start my clinical rotations.

I have pretty much been expecting that. The months keep flying by at break-neck speed, and everything in the lab seems to take longer than I plan, than I think it should. I had hoped to schedule my comps a month ago, for example.

If I were to work my ass off to try and get back to the clinical rotations this summer, there is a chance that it could happen. But there would likely be work left to do in terms of re-submission of my publications, etc. I wouldn't have any time to take a day or a week off before plunging into 80 hour clinical weeks. I wouldn't have time to review my clinical skills (blood pressure? how do I...hold this thing?), pharm, pathophysiology, all of those details that would have been fresh in my mind if I had gone straight through. If I had gone straight through.

If I had gone straight through, only done medical school, I would be two years into my residency now. We could have moved away from California, back to Utah to be near family, or somewhere new.

But.

If I had gone straight through, I wouldn't have met my group of friends in the lab, some of the most amazing (occasionally crazy) supportive, funny, fun women that I know. These friendships have made my life unquestionably richer.

If I had gone straight through, I wouldn't have had to face the wall that is the PhD program. To be honest, school has often come easily for me, although I certainly faced struggles in medical school as well. But graduate school has forced me to get to know myself, my limitations, and my gut in a way that I don't think I would have been forced to do if I had gone straight through.

If I had gone straight through, I wouldn't have taken the time to get involved in health policy and organized medicine. I was never a joiner. But I signed up for the AMA in order to stay in touch with the medical side of things while I was toiling away in the lab. And I got hooked. It has given me an outlet to channel my inner political junkie. It has also given me an opportunity to feel like I am influencing the field of medicine on a larger scale. That's why I signed up to do the PhD to begin with, but perhaps I have found an even more personal way to (at the risk of typing a cliche) "make a difference".

If I had gone straight through, I don't even know what my life would look like now.

I try not to put too much thought into what could have been. I dislike the question, "if you had it to do over again, would you make changes?" Because, yes, I probably would if I had the knowledge that I do now. But I wouldn't have the knowledge and perspective that I do now if I hadn't made the choices that I made. Would I be better off making changes? Truly, I think that it is an irrelevant question. Because I can't change how things are.

I no longer believe that everything happens for a reason. But I do believe that there is reason and truth to be found in every situation. Everything that I have experienced along the way has shaped the person that I am right now. To wish to change something that happened in the past would be a wish to change who I am. And despite the fact that my life right now looks nothing like I pictured it 10 years ago, or even 5, I am very much at peace with myself, and in tune with myself. Possibly more than I have been at any point in my life.

And I wouldn't trade that for anything.